Setting myself up for failure again?

Being a woman, and this may come as a shock to everyone that truly knows me, I value what my appearance says about me.  You see I don't spend hours putting on make up and fixing my hair, nor do I spend larges amount of money on my wardrobe.  With that said, I still value the impressions that I make on people based upon my appearance. 

Yesterday I woke up and realized that, with my broken self esteem in tow, I am "morbidly obese" (I think that's what the clinical name is for my "condition").  Yes America... I am FAT.  I know that in the world of political correctness that calling someone fat isn't right, but my mother told me never to lie... and I can't lie about this one.  I am a 5'7" woman who weighs more than I care to type at this point.  Let's just say, IT'S A BIG FREAKIN' NUMBER!  I looked at a picture just to make sure that I wasn't seeing things and lets just say I wasn't imagining anything.  And just so everyone knows; 1.  Yes I do have a self esteem issue and 2. Although I have a self esteem issue, you probably would never know because I hid it well.  I have a larger than life personality and can crack jokes about myself all day.  But the truth is... it hurts.  It hurts more than I care to admit and maybe that's why I am always setting myself up for failure.  Changing me on the outside... would that change me on the inside as well?

So Sunday, November 13, 2011 is the day that I decided to change it all.  I need to get healthy for myself and for my family.  I need to lose the weight that I have packed on in the 16 years that I have been married (and 2 kids too!).  I need to pick my self esteem off the ground, dust it off, and put it in check because I am me, and I am beautiful (even though I don't feel it yet).  I downloaded an app on my iPhone (Lose It!) and it is a calorie counter.  It allows me to track absolutely everything I put into my mouth.  It even allows you to breakdown your weight loss into a manageable goal.  For me, it is 2 pounds a week and to lose the 100 pounds that I want to lose my end date is October 28, 2012 - which happens to be my 17 year wedding anniversary (what a great present to myself and family).  Additionally, I started using the elliptical machine in my basement (you know the one that was being used as a coat hanger).  My goal for using the elliptical machine is about 30-45 minutes at least 4-5 days a week.  My plan is to turn on the tunes and go to it each morning before work. 

Now I will admit that I have done this in the past and paid large sums of money to lose the weight that I wanted off.  I joined Weight Watchers several times (and had huge success once), joined the local YMCA (and never entered the building after signing up) and also have joined the Biggest Loser competitions at work.  Like I said, Weight Watchers was a success for me, but what I learned from them is to track every morsel of food that you put into your mouth and to exercise.  It's a basic equation of diet and exercise or you need to burn more than you eat.  It's simple to think of... but difficult to follow.  I chose not to do the Weight Watchers option this time and instead make me accountable to myself.  It's me, myself and I this time and it is up to me to keep me motivated (well the smaller sized pants are a good motivator as well).  I just hate seeing myself spend money doing something that I already know.  Then it came to me, I read all the time about people blogging their weight loss stories.  I already had a blog (not used very often) and the ability to blab about anything. 

So yesterday (typing today) is the start of something new.  I maybe setting myself up for failure, but we will see.  It doesn't hurt to try and in the end I may just lose a few pounds.  We will see where this leads, but honestly it has to be bigger and ummmmm... let's try this again, it has to be smaller and better things :)