Time to be honest...

19 weeks ago I began a journey... a journey to make my health better, feel better about myself and be a positive role model for my daughters.  A lot has changed in the last 19 weeks, including the loss of 55lbs, my daily workout habits and making myself a priority in life.  


19 weeks ago I was scared, and more so embarrassed, to tell anyone what my weight was.  Stepping on that scale on November 13th and seeing the number that I did was an eye opener to me.  I have shared my experience while on this journey, but I have never opened up about what I weighed that day.  I will today...


274lbs is what I started my journey at.  I was morbidly obese.  I was killing myself with inactivity and unhealthy food choices.  I was killing myself with overeating and emotional eating.  I had watched myself blossom to 274lbs and never once gave it a thought.  Until November 13th.  I set a goal at that point that I wanted to lose 110lbs, allowing me to get back to 164lbs.  This is a far reaching dream, but one that I really want to work towards.  As you know, I have set smaller 25lb goals and have reached 2 of them thus far.  


Today's weigh in brought me to the halfway point of my journey.  I have lost 55lbs thus far.  That makes me a total of 219lbs.  This is the smallest I have been in far too many years to discuss.  I have 19lbs left until I get out of the 200s.  That is my goal at this point.  I would like to be down 19.2lbs by June 25, 2012... my 40th birthday.  This has always been the goal from the very beginning (being under 200lbs by my 40th birthday).  This gives me exactly 13 weeks to take off the 19.2lbs.  Breaking it down even further... 1.48lbs per week.  I know that I am close to hitting that point where my "big" losses are over, but looking at that 1.48lbs per week (and the littel over confident Sam in my head), I know that I can achieve this goal.  Hard work and determination will lead me there.


So there it is, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I actually feel so much better telling everyone what my starting weight was.  I feel relieved to know that even though I weighed what I did, that I have taken 55lbs off thus far.  I know that there are many judgmental people in the world, trust me I have seen the looks, the sneers and the hurtful comments.  That's what prevented me from saying what I weighed in the beginning... fear of being judged further.  But I have learned over the last 19 weeks to love myself, believe in myself, push myself and most of all not care what others think of how I look.  There is more to me than appearance and if you don't take the time to know who I am and what I am about, well then, shame on you.  

Another minor milestone...

As you are all aware of, I am doing a C25K program.  Today was Week 5 Day 3 of the 8 week program.  I have survived thus far, but each run gets harder and harder.  As I expressed earlier in the week, today was a BIG day for me… a 20 minute straight jog without walking at all.

I started the morning with a 10 minute brisk walk to warm myself up.  Then I hit the start button the C25K program (no turning back).  The program had me walking an additional 5 minutes to warm up.  I figured that I would kick up the speed just a bit for these 5 minutes to really get my body all warmed up.  At the end of that 5 minutes the little prompt to me to begin jogging.  And so I did…

I decided that I would focus on the local news that I set on the TV in front of me.  That lasted all of 2 minutes and I found myself looking at the time.  18:29 left to go…

I moved my attention to the music that I was listening too.  Taylor Hicks (who is my obsession in life… yeah go ahead and laugh, I’m use to it) was the selection that was on and I focused all of my attention on him.  I kept thinking that he overcame so much the season that he won American Idol (the old jokes because of his hair color, being quirky and no one understanding his style, the must that he has a passion for, etc).  I told myself that if he could overcome those major adversities in his life to win American Idol, that I could overcome any adversities in my own life that would prevent me from jogging 20 straight minutes.  This distracted my attention for a bit… I looked at the clock and I still had 13:44 left.  Oh my goodness!

I glance at the TV again and they are talking weather.  OK great, maybe this will distract me from looking at the time.  I watch the entire forecast, finding out that the next 7 days are going to be absolutely beautiful, and then look down again at the clock… 12:33 left.

OK, so I must focus.  Focus on anything but the time.  I start looking at the calories that I am burning and I feel better.  This allows me to not think of the time that seems to be slowly ticking away.  While staring at the calories the prompt on the C25K program speaks, she says “You are half way there”.  This means I have reached the 10 minute mark!

Regroup my focus and now Fantasy by Earth, Wind and Fire is on.  Being a huge Pittsburgh Steelers fan, this song has meaning because it is one of the songs that Hines Ward danced to when he was on Dancing with the Stars.  I then begin to think again, that if Hines can do it so can I.  Song ends and I look down at the time 6:45 left to go.  I realize (not as if the prompt shouldn’t have clued me in) that I really am over half way there.

Back to watching TV and trust me when I say that I am not feeling bad at this point, but my mind starts to play tricks on me.  My mind started telling me that I couldn’t finish.  That I needed to walk.  That it was important for me to give up.  That negative Sam came out in full force.  I IGNORED that voice and then I started to repeat to myself something that I tell my daughters all the time… “Suck it up and deal with it”!  Look down and I am at 4:33 left.

Oh my goodness… under 5 minutes left.  I know that I can do it!  I look around the gym.  I then turn back to the TV.  Ignore the little negative Sam.  Listening to “I’m Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO.  The next thing I know is the voice prompt in the program says “1 minute to go”.  YES… 1 minute!

The last minute flies by and the next thing I know, I am in cool down mode of the program and in total disbelief that I actually jogged for 20 minutes straight.  I felt great, no aches, no pains and no labored breathing.  I actually felt good.

So I learned that I can push myself further than expected.  I also learned that the negative Sam is still around and that I have to occasionally ”beat her down”.  I guess listening to the negative all my life got me into the position that I am and now it is time to squash that negative talk and replace it with accomplishments!

Happy Friday everyone.  I sure hope you all have a blessed weekend 

Finding the strength within

I have spent the last 4 months making many sacrifices.  Food choices, partying with my girl friends and exercising at an obscenely early hour of the morning.  These sacrifices have lead me to a better place - physically, emotionally and mentally.  These sacrifices are part of my daily life.  These sacrifices are difficult, but necessary.

There are times when I think that I can't do something while on this journey.  For example, giving up birthday cake at a kids birthday party.  How can anyone pass up birthday cake.  It's not something that you eat every day and it is ohhhhhhh so good.  Birthday cake for Peter's sake... passing it up is more than difficult.  But passing it up is necessary.  

Throughout this journey I have had to rely on the strength that I have found within.  My inner strength, the desire to do something great with myself throughout this journey.  The desire to achieve my goal weight.  The desire to be a healthier and happier person.  The little Sam inside that continued to push and coax me on as the reality Sam thinks that I have to give up.  You see, to the little Sam inside, giving up is never an option.  

Find your inner strength, we all have it.  This inner strength can lead you to great things.  This inner strength can be fueled by a motivational factor.  Smaller clothes, better health, able to keep up with the kids, being a positive role model, or whatever you may find to be that motivator.  But use that motivator each time you feel that you just can't do something.  For me personally, the biggest motivator right now is to be down 75lbs by my 49th birthday.  Being down that many pounds will put me under 200lbs for the first time in 17 years.  This is a HUGE motivator for me and each day I remind myself of it.  This motivator really helps to ignite my inner little Sam and remind me why I have to do what I am doing each and every day.

Anyone and everyone has it in them to make the changes that they need to get healthy.   Everyone is able to do what I am doing, it is just a matter of finding that inner strength and your motivators to keep you going.