A much happier place...

So I was thinking about what to write for this week's blog entry and I kept coming up with nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  And unfortunately, nothing is not an option.  

So after today's weigh in, I discovered what my topic would be.  You see, I have reached a weight that I have not been in about 15 years.  That's right, this is the thinnest I have been in a VERY long time.  And not only is this the thinnest that I have been in 15 years, but this is by far the healthiest that I have been in, well... my whole life.  And that brings me to such a happy place.

For the first time in a long time, I am able to look into a mirror and not be grossed out by my appearance.  For the first time ever, I am running at least 3 days a week and for lengths that I could only imagine.  For the first time in a long time, I am able to not cave into the yummy looking cupcakes that are sitting in my kitchen.  And for the first time in my life, I am in a much happier place.  

This happy place isn't just about my appearance, it is more so about my health.  Being able to walk up a flight of stairs and not be completely out of breath.  The happy place of seeing the scale continue in a downward spiral.  My happy place of hopping on the treadmill and knocking out 4 miles running and knowing that my body is stronger than it has ever been.  The happy place of hearing "You look great".  And a happy place of knowing that I am adding years back onto my life just by taking the necessary steps to get myself healthy.  

Everyone has it in them to do what I am doing.  I don't posses some special or magical power, instead what i do posses is determination, a strong will, drive and motivation to change the destructive path that I was on.  It really isn't rocket science on how to take charge and get your happy place regarding your health back.  The equation is easy... eat less calories than you burn and exercise, exercise, exercise.  That's it.  Now how you approach this can be different from person to person.  I personally have chosen to use a calorie counting app on my phone and it has been very successful.  Again, this is all about taking back my happiness.  

So yes, I am happy.  I am getting healthy.  And I am not shy about sharing my story.  Do you have to be "skinny" to be happy... absolutely not!  Do you need to lose weight to be happy... again the answer is no.  This journey isn't for everyone and I know that.  But what I do know, is that I haven't been happier than I am today in a very long time.  And I attribute a lot of this happiness on the fact that I am getting healthier.  

Accomplishing more than ever thought...

As you know, I have been on this weight loss journey for almost 5 months.  While on this journey, I started going to the gym daily to help boost my weight loss and to make my body stronger.  When I first started working out it was mostly the elliptical machine and I could only remain on it for about 15-20 minutes.  

While at the gym, I learned that a friend of mine from a former church was also a member of the gym and in turn she introduced to to another lady.  Both of these ladies were running on the treadmill several days a week.  I was super jealous of their fitness and ability to run for so long.  Don't get me wrong, I love both of these ladies dearly, but I just was frustrated that they could do something that I couldn't.  

Almost 8 weeks ago, after the encouragement of these same fine ladies, I began training for a 5K.  I started to use a C25K (Couch to 5K) app on my phone.  Essentially this program breaks it down so that in 8 total weeks you are able to run a 5K.  I must say, I found this to be unreasonable considering when I started this program I was still well over 230lbs and not physically fit at all.  

Week by week I would do the requirements of the program.  It starts relatively simple with you jogging for 60 seconds and then walking for 90 seconds, for a total of 21 minutes.  And then you build up each week, adding additional jogging time and shortening up your walking time.  And in the end, you are jogging for the full 3.2 miles and walking 5 minutes on either side.  I honestly thought going into this training program that I would end up repeating some weeks and lengthening the total amount of weeks that it took to complete it.  Well I couldn't be more wrong!

On Sunday, April 1, 2012, one week earlier than expected, I jogged my first 5K.  I completed the 3.2 miles on the treadmill at the gym, with my daughter and her friend there to witness it.  It took me just under 43 minutes to complete the 5K and I must say that I felt wonderful during and after.  I didn't set out to complete the 3.2 miles, but once I started to run that day, I knew that there was no stopping me.  And in the end, there wasn't.  

So I have accomplished something that I couldn't possibly imagine myself doing.  Running/jogging isn't something that a person who is 274lbs thinks that they will be doing.  Even with completing a cardio workout each day at the gym, I didn't think that my body would allow for me to complete a 5K.  But I couldn't be more wrong.  I have to say that being able to achieve what I did is because I challenged myself and wouldn't allow myself to give up.  Pushing myself to the max is something that I have always done and now it translated into completing a 5K.

Well now that is done I plan on continuing to run the 5K on the treadmill and I will attempt to shave time off of the jog by gradually increasing my speed.  It will be fun to see how much time I can trim off of the bottom line of the 5K.  I have also considered beginning a C210K program now.  Holy cow... a 10K!  What in the world am I thinking?!  Well actually I am thinking that I can accomplish anything that I set my mind too!  

Time to be honest...

19 weeks ago I began a journey... a journey to make my health better, feel better about myself and be a positive role model for my daughters.  A lot has changed in the last 19 weeks, including the loss of 55lbs, my daily workout habits and making myself a priority in life.  


19 weeks ago I was scared, and more so embarrassed, to tell anyone what my weight was.  Stepping on that scale on November 13th and seeing the number that I did was an eye opener to me.  I have shared my experience while on this journey, but I have never opened up about what I weighed that day.  I will today...


274lbs is what I started my journey at.  I was morbidly obese.  I was killing myself with inactivity and unhealthy food choices.  I was killing myself with overeating and emotional eating.  I had watched myself blossom to 274lbs and never once gave it a thought.  Until November 13th.  I set a goal at that point that I wanted to lose 110lbs, allowing me to get back to 164lbs.  This is a far reaching dream, but one that I really want to work towards.  As you know, I have set smaller 25lb goals and have reached 2 of them thus far.  


Today's weigh in brought me to the halfway point of my journey.  I have lost 55lbs thus far.  That makes me a total of 219lbs.  This is the smallest I have been in far too many years to discuss.  I have 19lbs left until I get out of the 200s.  That is my goal at this point.  I would like to be down 19.2lbs by June 25, 2012... my 40th birthday.  This has always been the goal from the very beginning (being under 200lbs by my 40th birthday).  This gives me exactly 13 weeks to take off the 19.2lbs.  Breaking it down even further... 1.48lbs per week.  I know that I am close to hitting that point where my "big" losses are over, but looking at that 1.48lbs per week (and the littel over confident Sam in my head), I know that I can achieve this goal.  Hard work and determination will lead me there.


So there it is, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I actually feel so much better telling everyone what my starting weight was.  I feel relieved to know that even though I weighed what I did, that I have taken 55lbs off thus far.  I know that there are many judgmental people in the world, trust me I have seen the looks, the sneers and the hurtful comments.  That's what prevented me from saying what I weighed in the beginning... fear of being judged further.  But I have learned over the last 19 weeks to love myself, believe in myself, push myself and most of all not care what others think of how I look.  There is more to me than appearance and if you don't take the time to know who I am and what I am about, well then, shame on you.  

Finding the strength within

I have spent the last 4 months making many sacrifices.  Food choices, partying with my girl friends and exercising at an obscenely early hour of the morning.  These sacrifices have lead me to a better place - physically, emotionally and mentally.  These sacrifices are part of my daily life.  These sacrifices are difficult, but necessary.

There are times when I think that I can't do something while on this journey.  For example, giving up birthday cake at a kids birthday party.  How can anyone pass up birthday cake.  It's not something that you eat every day and it is ohhhhhhh so good.  Birthday cake for Peter's sake... passing it up is more than difficult.  But passing it up is necessary.  

Throughout this journey I have had to rely on the strength that I have found within.  My inner strength, the desire to do something great with myself throughout this journey.  The desire to achieve my goal weight.  The desire to be a healthier and happier person.  The little Sam inside that continued to push and coax me on as the reality Sam thinks that I have to give up.  You see, to the little Sam inside, giving up is never an option.  

Find your inner strength, we all have it.  This inner strength can lead you to great things.  This inner strength can be fueled by a motivational factor.  Smaller clothes, better health, able to keep up with the kids, being a positive role model, or whatever you may find to be that motivator.  But use that motivator each time you feel that you just can't do something.  For me personally, the biggest motivator right now is to be down 75lbs by my 49th birthday.  Being down that many pounds will put me under 200lbs for the first time in 17 years.  This is a HUGE motivator for me and each day I remind myself of it.  This motivator really helps to ignite my inner little Sam and remind me why I have to do what I am doing each and every day.

Anyone and everyone has it in them to make the changes that they need to get healthy.   Everyone is able to do what I am doing, it is just a matter of finding that inner strength and your motivators to keep you going.  

Goal setting and earning those rewards

I have always been a person that sets goals (big and small) and then work my butt off to achieve those goals. Completing my Bachelors degree, moving onto a Masters degree are a great example of my goal setting and achievement.  This weight loss journey has been no exception to my goal setting.  


When I first started this journey 3 months ago today, I set a large goal of 110lbs of weight loss.  However, in order to make this HUGE goal manageable, I decided that it was very important to work towards smaller goals.  My first smaller goal was to lose 25lbs.  Now I hit this goal a few weeks ago, but this weekend I finally was able to get my reward.  On Saturday, a friend (who is also on her own journey and kicking butt while doing it) and I went to the mall.  What I purchased as my reward was something that truly depicts the journey that I am on.  I bought myself the Journey bead from Pandora.  For those of you not familiar with this bead, it has peaks and valleys, just like my journey.  Not all weeks will be successful in losing weight while I am on this journey.  There will be times when I am in a low, a valley, and there will be times when I am at a high, or a peak.  This bead truly does represent what I am doing in life and how difficult this journey is.  I would like to thank another friend for schooling me in this bead.  Carrie... I am so glad that I took the time to talk to you about the different Pandora beads!


Now don't think that this 25lbs mark would be my only goal.  I actually have achieved a variety of other little goals that I have set... specifically in the gym.  I set a goal of burning 1000 calories in 1 gym outing, and boy did achieving that goal feel so freaking good.  I set a goal of completing 5 miles on the elliptical in 65 minutes, and I was able to achieve that one (it happened to be the same day as the 1000 calories burned).  I wanted to achieve under a 15 minute mile on the treadmill and was able to complete this one today... knocking out a 14:10 minute mile.  A small goal but meaningful goal was for me to do at least 25 crunches on the Ab Solo machine.  Well I shattered that one and am now up to 50 crunches a day!  None gym related goals were to eliminate diet soda from my daily life, and I have been able to achieve that one.  I only enjoy a diet soda on truly special and meaningful days.  It is something that I find I don't need in my daily life.  And it doesn't stop there.  I have many, many, many more goals ahead of me. I will just keep striving to accomplish each and every one of them :)  


So today, I am now sitting 16.8lbs away from my next weight related goal.  I would love to be able to have a few BIG weeks of losses to get to that goal faster, but realistically I know that is not healthy and not food for keeping it off.  I have set the goal that I would like to reach this mark in 7 weeks.  If I hit it earlier than that point, its a bonus.  But I don't want to set myself up for failure as setting unrealistic goals will only provide you failure and I am not about that!


Below is a picture of my Journey Pandora bead.  This symbol means a great deal to me and just looking at it provides a smile.  Oh... my next 25lb goal reward will be another Pandora bead.  It is called the Inner Strength bead and is another one that truly represents this journey that I am on.  

Reason to celebrate...trying to think positively.

Another weigh in and I am happy to report that I am down 10.4 pounds in 4 weeks!  Woooo Hoooo... that is something to celebrate.  And because I reached this little milestone, I treated myself to a grande skinny vanilla latte at Starbucks yesterday (all for 130 calories).

Even though I am happy that I hit the first 10 pound mark (in just 4 weeks), I am reminded, when I walk by the mirror or put on my pants, that this 10 pounds is really nothing in the big scheme of things.  Really... 10 pounds and I have 100 to lose!  I know that this is the "negative" or "half glass empty" view, but it is difficult to be so positive about such a little accomplishment.  10 pounds... 10 whole pounds.

I started to have this conversation Saturday night with a friend.  I remarked to her that it is hard to stay focused at times when there is no change in my pants size.  I realistically know that my pants size will not change for about another 15-20 pounds, but this is one huge marker for me that the weight it coming off.  It also is a BIG reason to celebrate in my world.  During our conversation she said to me that 10 pounds was significant.  She said that to remind myself of what 10 pounds is, go to the store and pick up 10 pounds of meat.  This 10 pounds is weight that I won't have to carry with me any longer.  So yesterday, while grocery shopping, I did just that.  I picked up 10 pounds of ground meat and realized that 10 pounds is a BIG loss.  Not having those 10 pounds attached to my body is great in so many ways! 

So changing my outlook to one of a positive viewpoint is key to success, or so I believe in my mind it is.  I have been working hard at remaining positive in many situations in my life, and weight loss should be no exception.  I guess sometimes you need someone to point out the obvious so that you can move past the negative.  I have added a picture below... one that was shared with me and I use daily to refocus my negativeness towards a situation.  Just remember your attitude (whether negative or positive) will determine 2 things.... your outlook on a situation and your outcome from that situation. 

And the first week is history...

Well I did it... 1 full week of this "diet" journey is complete.  What do I have to show for my hard work and determination this week?  Well if you guessed less weight you would be right!  I lost 3.8 pounds in my first week. Not a bad showing for my first week.  Now I would be lying if I didn't say that I would have liked a bigger number, but then I realize 2 things.  One, the weight didn't all appear on my one magical day and therefore it isn't going to leave me overnight.  And two, if I do this the right way (slow and steady weight loss) it is more likely that I will learn the correct habits (eating and exercise) that I need to know in order to be able to sustain the weight loss permanently.  


So let me review my week... not just for your reading purposes, but also for my ability to remind myself of the important lessons along the way.  I learned that I can get my butt out of bed and workout each morning, even if that workout is only 30 minutes of cardio.  This 30 (or more) minutes that I give to myself each day is so rewarding to my body and also provides me with a great deal of energy throughout the day (who would have thought that!).  Working out isn't something that I have to do, it is really something that I need to do, both for myself and the long term health of my body.  


I learned that in the world of dieting, giving something up doesn't mean that you can't have what it is you truly want.  You see, when I have dieted in the past, it has been in my mind that I can't have somethings that I love to eat.  This week, I was able to still have a burger, even if it was only a Junior Cheeseburger from Wendy's.  The point is, I was still able to eat it and be happy about the choice that I made.  


I learned that I can in fact eat a banana without peanut butter (thanks Elvis!).  I have always loved peanut butter and banana together and was skeptical that I would want to eat one without the other.  Peanut butter is something that definitely doesn't currently fit into my nutritional scheme of things, so I know that I needed to give it up completely (or at least for now).  But no peanut butter meant no bananas for me (and they are a fantastic source of potassium).  I ventured out to see if I could eat one without the other and who knew... I COULD!  I am now a one a day banana day and very happy that I took the risk that I did.


I learned that my hubby and I can still have our date night out together and enjoy myself.  We went out to dinner and a movie and I at not time thought that I was losing out on something... no wait, I take that back, I would have loved to have had dessert at PF Chang's but I recognize that it wasn't an option this time.  It is great that I can still enjoy our date night together and not be self conscious about the food that I am eating.  


I learned that children's birthday parties aren't always a bad thing.  Yesterday my family enjoyed a birthday party for 2 of our close friends kids.  There was lots of food (fried chicken, rigatoni, broccoli salad, cheesy potatoes, macaroni salad and plenty of chips) and many of the options were not  healthy choices that I would have picked if given the opportunity.  However, I wasn't able to pick and therefore I had to make the best of the situation.  Broccoli salad is yummy and broccoli is great for me.  That was what I focused my dinner around.  I had a small piece of fried chicken and a small scoop of rigatoni.  That's it!  Also, the birthday cake and ice cream were not an option, but it didn't bother me.  I kept drinking my water and having a great time without overeating or gorging on things that I know aren't good for me. It was a great lesson to learn, considering that I started a diet 1 week before a major holiday!  


Another lesson for the week was that of encouragement and support.  It was great to have so many friends and family continually encourage and support me through this journey.  The kinds works, the telling me of a song that was a big up lifter for me, and the many messages that I have received are wonderful.  It is great to know that I have surrounded myself with excellent people who understand that I can't do this by myself.


Finally, I have learned this week that this journey is not just about me.  This journey, and this blog, are about everyone that understands the pain that I experience daily with being overweight... and it isn't just a physical pain.  The emotional toll that this takes on a person is something that I never want to endure again.  People have reached out to me to tell me that this blog touched them, that the blog was about their own personal struggles.  I guess I never thought that this would reach people that way... just thought that this was something that I understood and felt.  


I am grateful for the lessons that I have learned this week.  I am grateful for another week of losing those pounds that I keep me from looking in the mirror.  I am grateful that I have been able to touch people's lives.  I am grateful that I have a loving and supportive family.  I am grateful that each day I learn something new about this journey and that I have the opportunity to share.  

Celebrating the little things

So today I accomplished something little, but huge in my eyes.  Today, after completing my 36 minutes on the elliptical, I have successfully worked out on the elliptical 5 days straight for 30+ minutes each time.  I know this isn't a marathon or even a half marathon, but it is a little accomplishment that I celebrate.  Going from never working out to 5 straight days is definitely something for me to cheer about!  


So this brings to mind that I have a VERY BIG GOAL... to lose 100 pounds.  To think of 100 pounds is definitely overwhelming and could cause someone to lose hope in achieving that goal (been there, done that).  It seems even more overwhelming to me when I think that my weekly goal is losing 2 pounds.  Seriously folks that's forever to get to the 100 pound mark.  I see why people who are trying to lose weight lose all hope of accomplishing what they set out to achieve.  When you look at the big picture, it is discouraging.  


So to be successful you have to look at the small accomplishments or as I like to think... Celebrate the little things.  Today was a celebration for me.  Meeting my initial goal of working out 4-5 days a week was huge in my world.  I know it's only week 1, but this sets the stage for future weeks. Had I given into the idea of nestling under the covers instead of getting my butt out of bed, I would have never achieved this little accomplishment.  I will celebrate on Sunday when I do the official weigh in - and yes I will celebrate even if I only lose 1 pound... why, because that's a pound that I no longer have to lose!  


I guess it is important for me to set bigger smaller goals, such as losing 25 pounds and rewarding myself.  This again breaks the big goal into something manageable.  And for a reward, it needs to be anything but FOOD!!!  I have given thought to a mani and pedi, possibly a pair of earrings or a bracelet, it could even be a new purse (well not new for me because I rarely ever buy a "new" purse).  I am taking suggestions for ways to reward myself for the 25 pounds... so share your suggestions.  I am open to just about anything and I need several of the 25 pound rewards, so the more suggestions I have the better off I will be.


So to wrap this all up... be loud and proud about the small accomplishments.  Be excited when you do something as simple as meeting your workout goal for a week or losing 1 pound.  Celebrate the small stuff because in the end, it's the small stuff that adds up to create the big picture (just like a puzzle).  

Planning is the key

The one thing that I am learning quickly is that it takes a good amount of planning and preparation to be successful at this dieting gig.  Now I am not being crabby about this fact, just more making a statement.  I guess I didn't realize that it would take more time for me to pack a lunch or make dinner happen.  Take for example my lunch today... A salad, plenty of fruit (banana, apple and grapes), yogurt, sugar free pudding cup, cheese stick, 2oz of chicken for my salad, and a snack for in the afternoon.  Now most of that is prepacked and easy to throw together, but the time consuming part came in the preparation of the salad (although not horrible, still time consuming) and the balancing of my daily calorie intake.  For me, the calorie intake is the most time consuming and difficult to do.  

For the plan that I am on through Lose It, I attempting to lose 2 pounds a week and would need to intake 1822 calories a day.  At first I thought that amount of calories wasn't much, but I couldn't be more wrong.  With the healthier choices I am making, it is very difficult to reach that amount of calories.  I guess with more time and practice that I will get better at it.  Oh and I forgot to mention that each day I exercise I have to eat more calories... so for today I burned up 530 calories from my elliptical workout, so tack on another 530 calories that I need to eat.  Yesterday I was almost 1200 calories shy for the day and I wasn't hungry at all!  I guess I just don't want to make an early bad choice and therefore screw up my whole day.  Again, this is the planning and preparation aspect of everything... and it will come with time.  

Oh and just so no one thinks that magically less calories equals more weight loss, that couldn't be further from the truth.  At some point (and I am not a medical doctor so I don't know exactly when it occurs), your body thinks that it is starving and will do whatever it can to prevent that from occurring.  So just because I was 1200 calories short yesterday, I didn't lose an ounce!  (and yes, insane me is still weighing myself every day - but that's a whole other blog entry).  So I guess my point here is that I need to be a better planner, or maybe not be so strict with my calories.  I guess I also have to learn that it is OK to eat the things that I may truly want at that moment and use up those calories.  These, my friends, are difficult lessons to learn from someone who is "morbidly obese" and is setting out on this weight loss journey.  Lessons that will become part of life as I struggle through this journey.