A much happier place...

So I was thinking about what to write for this week's blog entry and I kept coming up with nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  And unfortunately, nothing is not an option.  

So after today's weigh in, I discovered what my topic would be.  You see, I have reached a weight that I have not been in about 15 years.  That's right, this is the thinnest I have been in a VERY long time.  And not only is this the thinnest that I have been in 15 years, but this is by far the healthiest that I have been in, well... my whole life.  And that brings me to such a happy place.

For the first time in a long time, I am able to look into a mirror and not be grossed out by my appearance.  For the first time ever, I am running at least 3 days a week and for lengths that I could only imagine.  For the first time in a long time, I am able to not cave into the yummy looking cupcakes that are sitting in my kitchen.  And for the first time in my life, I am in a much happier place.  

This happy place isn't just about my appearance, it is more so about my health.  Being able to walk up a flight of stairs and not be completely out of breath.  The happy place of seeing the scale continue in a downward spiral.  My happy place of hopping on the treadmill and knocking out 4 miles running and knowing that my body is stronger than it has ever been.  The happy place of hearing "You look great".  And a happy place of knowing that I am adding years back onto my life just by taking the necessary steps to get myself healthy.  

Everyone has it in them to do what I am doing.  I don't posses some special or magical power, instead what i do posses is determination, a strong will, drive and motivation to change the destructive path that I was on.  It really isn't rocket science on how to take charge and get your happy place regarding your health back.  The equation is easy... eat less calories than you burn and exercise, exercise, exercise.  That's it.  Now how you approach this can be different from person to person.  I personally have chosen to use a calorie counting app on my phone and it has been very successful.  Again, this is all about taking back my happiness.  

So yes, I am happy.  I am getting healthy.  And I am not shy about sharing my story.  Do you have to be "skinny" to be happy... absolutely not!  Do you need to lose weight to be happy... again the answer is no.  This journey isn't for everyone and I know that.  But what I do know, is that I haven't been happier than I am today in a very long time.  And I attribute a lot of this happiness on the fact that I am getting healthier.  

Accomplishing more than ever thought...

As you know, I have been on this weight loss journey for almost 5 months.  While on this journey, I started going to the gym daily to help boost my weight loss and to make my body stronger.  When I first started working out it was mostly the elliptical machine and I could only remain on it for about 15-20 minutes.  

While at the gym, I learned that a friend of mine from a former church was also a member of the gym and in turn she introduced to to another lady.  Both of these ladies were running on the treadmill several days a week.  I was super jealous of their fitness and ability to run for so long.  Don't get me wrong, I love both of these ladies dearly, but I just was frustrated that they could do something that I couldn't.  

Almost 8 weeks ago, after the encouragement of these same fine ladies, I began training for a 5K.  I started to use a C25K (Couch to 5K) app on my phone.  Essentially this program breaks it down so that in 8 total weeks you are able to run a 5K.  I must say, I found this to be unreasonable considering when I started this program I was still well over 230lbs and not physically fit at all.  

Week by week I would do the requirements of the program.  It starts relatively simple with you jogging for 60 seconds and then walking for 90 seconds, for a total of 21 minutes.  And then you build up each week, adding additional jogging time and shortening up your walking time.  And in the end, you are jogging for the full 3.2 miles and walking 5 minutes on either side.  I honestly thought going into this training program that I would end up repeating some weeks and lengthening the total amount of weeks that it took to complete it.  Well I couldn't be more wrong!

On Sunday, April 1, 2012, one week earlier than expected, I jogged my first 5K.  I completed the 3.2 miles on the treadmill at the gym, with my daughter and her friend there to witness it.  It took me just under 43 minutes to complete the 5K and I must say that I felt wonderful during and after.  I didn't set out to complete the 3.2 miles, but once I started to run that day, I knew that there was no stopping me.  And in the end, there wasn't.  

So I have accomplished something that I couldn't possibly imagine myself doing.  Running/jogging isn't something that a person who is 274lbs thinks that they will be doing.  Even with completing a cardio workout each day at the gym, I didn't think that my body would allow for me to complete a 5K.  But I couldn't be more wrong.  I have to say that being able to achieve what I did is because I challenged myself and wouldn't allow myself to give up.  Pushing myself to the max is something that I have always done and now it translated into completing a 5K.

Well now that is done I plan on continuing to run the 5K on the treadmill and I will attempt to shave time off of the jog by gradually increasing my speed.  It will be fun to see how much time I can trim off of the bottom line of the 5K.  I have also considered beginning a C210K program now.  Holy cow... a 10K!  What in the world am I thinking?!  Well actually I am thinking that I can accomplish anything that I set my mind too!  

Finding the strength within

I have spent the last 4 months making many sacrifices.  Food choices, partying with my girl friends and exercising at an obscenely early hour of the morning.  These sacrifices have lead me to a better place - physically, emotionally and mentally.  These sacrifices are part of my daily life.  These sacrifices are difficult, but necessary.

There are times when I think that I can't do something while on this journey.  For example, giving up birthday cake at a kids birthday party.  How can anyone pass up birthday cake.  It's not something that you eat every day and it is ohhhhhhh so good.  Birthday cake for Peter's sake... passing it up is more than difficult.  But passing it up is necessary.  

Throughout this journey I have had to rely on the strength that I have found within.  My inner strength, the desire to do something great with myself throughout this journey.  The desire to achieve my goal weight.  The desire to be a healthier and happier person.  The little Sam inside that continued to push and coax me on as the reality Sam thinks that I have to give up.  You see, to the little Sam inside, giving up is never an option.  

Find your inner strength, we all have it.  This inner strength can lead you to great things.  This inner strength can be fueled by a motivational factor.  Smaller clothes, better health, able to keep up with the kids, being a positive role model, or whatever you may find to be that motivator.  But use that motivator each time you feel that you just can't do something.  For me personally, the biggest motivator right now is to be down 75lbs by my 49th birthday.  Being down that many pounds will put me under 200lbs for the first time in 17 years.  This is a HUGE motivator for me and each day I remind myself of it.  This motivator really helps to ignite my inner little Sam and remind me why I have to do what I am doing each and every day.

Anyone and everyone has it in them to make the changes that they need to get healthy.   Everyone is able to do what I am doing, it is just a matter of finding that inner strength and your motivators to keep you going.  

Goal setting and earning those rewards

I have always been a person that sets goals (big and small) and then work my butt off to achieve those goals. Completing my Bachelors degree, moving onto a Masters degree are a great example of my goal setting and achievement.  This weight loss journey has been no exception to my goal setting.  


When I first started this journey 3 months ago today, I set a large goal of 110lbs of weight loss.  However, in order to make this HUGE goal manageable, I decided that it was very important to work towards smaller goals.  My first smaller goal was to lose 25lbs.  Now I hit this goal a few weeks ago, but this weekend I finally was able to get my reward.  On Saturday, a friend (who is also on her own journey and kicking butt while doing it) and I went to the mall.  What I purchased as my reward was something that truly depicts the journey that I am on.  I bought myself the Journey bead from Pandora.  For those of you not familiar with this bead, it has peaks and valleys, just like my journey.  Not all weeks will be successful in losing weight while I am on this journey.  There will be times when I am in a low, a valley, and there will be times when I am at a high, or a peak.  This bead truly does represent what I am doing in life and how difficult this journey is.  I would like to thank another friend for schooling me in this bead.  Carrie... I am so glad that I took the time to talk to you about the different Pandora beads!


Now don't think that this 25lbs mark would be my only goal.  I actually have achieved a variety of other little goals that I have set... specifically in the gym.  I set a goal of burning 1000 calories in 1 gym outing, and boy did achieving that goal feel so freaking good.  I set a goal of completing 5 miles on the elliptical in 65 minutes, and I was able to achieve that one (it happened to be the same day as the 1000 calories burned).  I wanted to achieve under a 15 minute mile on the treadmill and was able to complete this one today... knocking out a 14:10 minute mile.  A small goal but meaningful goal was for me to do at least 25 crunches on the Ab Solo machine.  Well I shattered that one and am now up to 50 crunches a day!  None gym related goals were to eliminate diet soda from my daily life, and I have been able to achieve that one.  I only enjoy a diet soda on truly special and meaningful days.  It is something that I find I don't need in my daily life.  And it doesn't stop there.  I have many, many, many more goals ahead of me. I will just keep striving to accomplish each and every one of them :)  


So today, I am now sitting 16.8lbs away from my next weight related goal.  I would love to be able to have a few BIG weeks of losses to get to that goal faster, but realistically I know that is not healthy and not food for keeping it off.  I have set the goal that I would like to reach this mark in 7 weeks.  If I hit it earlier than that point, its a bonus.  But I don't want to set myself up for failure as setting unrealistic goals will only provide you failure and I am not about that!


Below is a picture of my Journey Pandora bead.  This symbol means a great deal to me and just looking at it provides a smile.  Oh... my next 25lb goal reward will be another Pandora bead.  It is called the Inner Strength bead and is another one that truly represents this journey that I am on.  

Perfect... negative self talk

This past week I began working out.  I joined a gym (the local YMCA) and set a goal for myself of going to the gym to work out at least 3 days each week.  I think it is important for me to be realistic (3 days a week) but also serious about getting myself healthier and continuing on this weight loss journey.  Going to the gym has actually turned into something that I enjoy and over the first week I made it there 6 days.  Now 2 of those days were shortened days (only 40 minutes to spare) but I am still excited that I made it there!  

So while I complete my "workout" I listen to music on my iPhone.  While listening the other day the song F***** Perfect (or the cleaned up version is called Perfect) by Pink came on.  I really started to listen to the words and it was an eye opening experience.  The song talks about negative self talk and the view that you should have of yourself.  The song was talking about me!  There have been so many times that I negative talk myself (your thighs are so disgusting, your butt is huge, you won't ever lose the weight, people stare at you because you are so huge, etc.).  This negative self talk has allowed me to stay in the same path for as long as I have.  You see it's easier to stay the same and listen to that inner negative voice than it is to make the necessary changes and stop listening to the inner you.  

But like I said, the song also reminds you that you need to stop all the negative and begin to believe in yourself.  That isn't an easy thing to do, especially when you have been listening to the negative for 30+ years, but it is very important in order to make the necessary changes that need to be made.  So I am trying each day to find one thing that I can be positive about regarding myself.  Whether its a good hair day, or the color of my eyes, or the fact that I did 60 minutes on the elliptical machine, I am finding those positives and focusing on them.  

One final thing that has really helped me to remain so focused and positive about what I am accomplishing is the impact that I see my journey making on others.  So many people have reached out to me to encourage me along in my journey or to tell me that they are making changes in their own lives because of what I have done.  This is a huge boost to my confidence and also makes me feel wonderful about the blog and posting everything on Facebook.  It is hard for me to admit that I am extremely overweight (and yes I know that's pretty darn obvious) but knowing that someone or anyone has read this blog or my posts and they want to make changes is amazing and encouraging to me.  So thank you to everyone for your continued support.   Thank you for helping me to get rid of the negative voices and replacing them with the positives.  

New Year's Resolutions... can you keep them?

Every year, thousands and thousands of people make New Year's Resolutions to begin a fresh beginning to the year.  And every year, thousands upon thousands of people break their resolutions. I must include myself in those numbers because every year I seem to break what I resolve to change.  Last year for example, I set a New Year's resolution to stop texting while driving (I know that's bad... I don't need any lectures).  The first few days of the year went well and then I just fell of the wagon.  I will say though, that I do not text and drive nearly as much as I use too and I will only do it when I am alone in the car.  When the girls are with me, I have them answer my texts (with my responses of course).

I guess this is why I didn't start my weight loss journey on January 1st.  Instead, I chose to start it on an obscure Sunday in November 2 weeks before Thanksgiving (also not a good idea!).  But the point to this is, I was not resolving just to lose weight for the New Year... thus setting myself up to fail.  I wanted to make lasting changes to my lifestyle, including watching what I eat and exercising.  Now I am not saying that all New Year's resolutions fail, but by far more people fail than are successful.

So this year, because weight loss is at the forefront of my mind, a few of my resolutions are in place to help me along with this weight loss journey.  For one, I am striving to eliminate diet soda from my diet.  I am and probably always will be a diet soda junkie (I can drink about 5 20oz bottles a day).  I can drink it for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I prefer Diet Decaf Pepsi, but honestly I will drink Diet Coke if it is the only thing around.  Drinking diet soda, according to some recent studies, can actually increase your appetite and also has been linked to craving more sugary foods.  OUCH!  That's not what I want from anything that I put into my body, especially when I am working so hard to eliminate the overeating and the sweets that I sometimes crave.  So diet soda is out for me and it will be interesting to see how long this one lasts.  It is now 3 days into the New Year and yes I want a soda!  But I know that these little changes can mean bigger rewards down the road.

The next resolution that I set is that I want to work out at least 3 days per week.  Now that doesn't sound like much, but I am a person who never worked out.  And this is the minimum.  If I get 4 or 5 days in... that's a bonus.  Again, I didn't want to set myself up for failure and say work out 5 days and then disappointment myself when I only made it 4.  It is all about making the necessary life changes to take the weight off and keep it off.  Working out 3 days a week will definitely help to make this happen.  So far this year... I have worked out 3 days already.  Does that mean I am done for the week; absolutely NOT!  I am planning on working out at least 2 more days this week.  This means that I will be over for the week, but that's certainly not a bad thing.  One more note about this topic of working out.  I decided to join the local YMCA so that I could use a variety of equipment.  This variety will allow me to work different muscle groups and strengthen my whole body and not just one specific area.  I have used thus far the elliptical (one of my favorites), the stationary bike and today's adventure was with the stair climber machine (which I must report that I hate because my thighs and butt are killing me!!!!).  I do enjoy going to the gym, especially since my almost 13 year old daughter has been working out with me.  This healthy adventure has become contagious in my house :)

My next 2 resolutions were personal things that I want to accomplish this year, and not related to weight loss at all.  I have been inspired by a friend of mine who last year set a goal to read and review 200 books last year.  Tiffany actually was able to reach her goal and to me that is such a wonderful accomplishment.  I love to read, but did not think that I could undertake such a lofty goal.  Instead, I have set the goal of reading 50 books this year.  I know that isn't many, but when I normally take my time reading and often will put a book down for weeks in between each reading, this is incentive for me to keep plugging along until the end of the year.  Who knows, I may even add in reviewing the books that I pick up on Amazon as well... Thank you Tiffany for your inspiration!

Finally, I must admit that I am a terrible mom.  Yes I love my kids with every ounce of my being.  Yes I would do anything to protect my kids.  Yes I want to provide my girls with everything in the world so that they can be even more successful than their father and I.  But... I have boxes and boxes and boxes of pictures just sitting around my house.  I use to scrapbook, oh like 10 years ago (before Abbygail).  I have 2 beautiful scrapbooks of Makaela as a little girl.  I have NOTHING done of Abbygail.  To be quite honest, I am not sure if I even have that many pictures of Abbygail

So that's it... Sam's 2012 New Year's Resolutions.  I pray for the strength from God to continue to persevere through this weight loss journey.  I pray for continued strength as I press on to work out and build my physical strength.  I pray for understanding that I may not accomplish each of these resolutions but that I will do my best to uphold what I want to accomplish in this new year.  Finally, I pray for the ability to accept that I may break a resolution (like the no diet soda) but not beat myself up and just get back on board with the changes that I need to make to provide positive changes for my future.

Happy 2012 Everyone!

Holidays and outcomes...

Well I haven't written in a little over a week and it isn't because of failure.  It is because the Thanksgiving holiday was upon us and that time is more about family and spending quality time together.  For my family, it meant traveling from Pennsylvania to Michigan to spend time with loved ones we don't see often enough.  It was great to not be in front of the computer every day... and even better not thinking at all about work, school and the diet!  

Yes I said not thinking about the diet.  I intended on tracking what I was eating, taking daily walks with my oldest daughter and not giving into the holiday temptations (pumpkin pie, chocolate pie, stuffing and loads of mashed potatoes).  What I intended and what actually occurred, well let's just say they didn't necessarily meet in the middle!  The first thing that I failed at was tracking the food that I ate.  We left Wednesday evening and that was the last time I entered anything into my Lose It! app.  Now I don't want you to think that I was shrugging off my responsibility to my diet... it's just that I thought that I could do this eating thing without tracking for a few days.  Besides that, I wasn't the one cooking so I didn't know how many calories the food would be!  I know mashed potatoes are just mashed potatoes, but I needed to know butter amounts, what type of milk used, etc. in order to correctly calculate out the calories.  And trust me, I wasn't asking all those questions while a family member was cooking dinner and playing hostess to close to 30 people.  So I winged it... ate what I thought would be smaller portions; ate those things that I thought would be less in calories; and I didn't go back for seconds, instead I was happy with what I ate the first go round.  

So my second fail was believing that I would actually exercise while I was in Michigan.  I told my oldest daughter that I wanted to walk at least 2 days of the 4 that we were there.  Ummmm... yeah that didn't materialize.  I did have feelings of guilt because all it would have taken was a 2 mile walk to achieve the feeling that I was going for.  But honestly, I kept thinking that the reason why we were in Michigan was for family.  I know a 2 mile walk wouldn't have been hours upon hours away from them, but it was still time away from them that I didn't want to give up.  We don't see these family members daily or even monthly, so our time with them is precious.  Not giving up time with them meant that I had to be OK with not exercising.  Definitely something that I could live with!

The third fail for me was the holiday temptations.  I LOVE PUMPKIN PIE!  I LOVE STUFFING!  I LOVE CHOCOLATE PIE!  And then to top it off, there was cheesecake!  Oh My Goodness... all the temptations and I didn't want to give in to eating them and I didn't want to give in to not eating them.  So I compromised.  I had a small serving of stuffing and skipped the bigger portion of mashed potatoes that I would have loved to have had.  I did eat a dessert, but skipped the pumpkin pie.  Instead I opted for a fruit based pie and only ate a small slice.  Now we had another family dinner on Saturday and again the temptations of pie were there, and I had a little slice of the chocolate pie and a sliver of cheesecake (trust me before I would have eaten 2 large pieces of each and probably went back for seconds).  It felt good to eat those things.  I think if I would have skipped them on Thanksgiving, it would have made it worse at the family dinner on Saturday.  Yes I ate pie and I am proud of it!

So how did i fail... I gained 1 pound for the week.  Yes it is a gain, and yes that is not the objective.  But I think of it as a win and not a fail.  You see, people gain on average of 5 pounds over the Thanksgiving holiday.  Also, I know that in the past that I have stuffed myself to the point of being sick just because things "tasted good".  I never felt stuffed and never felt that I deprived myself.  I felt satisfies with how things went and what I ate.  Yes I gained a pound... but that's a win for me and at this point in the game, I will take it!  

Oh by the way... I do feel a little bit more prepared for the Christmas holiday.  Hoping for another win for me then :)

And the first week is history...

Well I did it... 1 full week of this "diet" journey is complete.  What do I have to show for my hard work and determination this week?  Well if you guessed less weight you would be right!  I lost 3.8 pounds in my first week. Not a bad showing for my first week.  Now I would be lying if I didn't say that I would have liked a bigger number, but then I realize 2 things.  One, the weight didn't all appear on my one magical day and therefore it isn't going to leave me overnight.  And two, if I do this the right way (slow and steady weight loss) it is more likely that I will learn the correct habits (eating and exercise) that I need to know in order to be able to sustain the weight loss permanently.  


So let me review my week... not just for your reading purposes, but also for my ability to remind myself of the important lessons along the way.  I learned that I can get my butt out of bed and workout each morning, even if that workout is only 30 minutes of cardio.  This 30 (or more) minutes that I give to myself each day is so rewarding to my body and also provides me with a great deal of energy throughout the day (who would have thought that!).  Working out isn't something that I have to do, it is really something that I need to do, both for myself and the long term health of my body.  


I learned that in the world of dieting, giving something up doesn't mean that you can't have what it is you truly want.  You see, when I have dieted in the past, it has been in my mind that I can't have somethings that I love to eat.  This week, I was able to still have a burger, even if it was only a Junior Cheeseburger from Wendy's.  The point is, I was still able to eat it and be happy about the choice that I made.  


I learned that I can in fact eat a banana without peanut butter (thanks Elvis!).  I have always loved peanut butter and banana together and was skeptical that I would want to eat one without the other.  Peanut butter is something that definitely doesn't currently fit into my nutritional scheme of things, so I know that I needed to give it up completely (or at least for now).  But no peanut butter meant no bananas for me (and they are a fantastic source of potassium).  I ventured out to see if I could eat one without the other and who knew... I COULD!  I am now a one a day banana day and very happy that I took the risk that I did.


I learned that my hubby and I can still have our date night out together and enjoy myself.  We went out to dinner and a movie and I at not time thought that I was losing out on something... no wait, I take that back, I would have loved to have had dessert at PF Chang's but I recognize that it wasn't an option this time.  It is great that I can still enjoy our date night together and not be self conscious about the food that I am eating.  


I learned that children's birthday parties aren't always a bad thing.  Yesterday my family enjoyed a birthday party for 2 of our close friends kids.  There was lots of food (fried chicken, rigatoni, broccoli salad, cheesy potatoes, macaroni salad and plenty of chips) and many of the options were not  healthy choices that I would have picked if given the opportunity.  However, I wasn't able to pick and therefore I had to make the best of the situation.  Broccoli salad is yummy and broccoli is great for me.  That was what I focused my dinner around.  I had a small piece of fried chicken and a small scoop of rigatoni.  That's it!  Also, the birthday cake and ice cream were not an option, but it didn't bother me.  I kept drinking my water and having a great time without overeating or gorging on things that I know aren't good for me. It was a great lesson to learn, considering that I started a diet 1 week before a major holiday!  


Another lesson for the week was that of encouragement and support.  It was great to have so many friends and family continually encourage and support me through this journey.  The kinds works, the telling me of a song that was a big up lifter for me, and the many messages that I have received are wonderful.  It is great to know that I have surrounded myself with excellent people who understand that I can't do this by myself.


Finally, I have learned this week that this journey is not just about me.  This journey, and this blog, are about everyone that understands the pain that I experience daily with being overweight... and it isn't just a physical pain.  The emotional toll that this takes on a person is something that I never want to endure again.  People have reached out to me to tell me that this blog touched them, that the blog was about their own personal struggles.  I guess I never thought that this would reach people that way... just thought that this was something that I understood and felt.  


I am grateful for the lessons that I have learned this week.  I am grateful for another week of losing those pounds that I keep me from looking in the mirror.  I am grateful that I have been able to touch people's lives.  I am grateful that I have a loving and supportive family.  I am grateful that each day I learn something new about this journey and that I have the opportunity to share.