A humbling experience

I am 11 weeks into this weight loss journey and I have certainly learned a lot about myself, about the must for exercise and about eating healthier (and not giving up the things I love most).  Throughout this journey, there have been many that have told me that I have inspired them, or that my actions motivate them.  This certainly was never my intent when making the decision to write this blog and also post everything on social media sites.  However, I am honored, proud and humbled by the sheer fact that people have found me to be inspiring.  I have always said to close friends that if 1 person changes their unhealthy lifestyle because they read my posts or blog, then it was all worth it.  This is still the case and honestly it warms my heart to know that my little circle of friends and family are changing their lives to become a healthier unit.  


Last week, on 2 different days, I was contacted by 2 individuals.  One told me that I was her role model for the weight loss journey.  WOW... I have never considered myself a role model especially being as overweight as I am.  This statement impacted my life in more ways than this person could have imagined.  I am glad that I have touched her life in such a positive way.  She's working hard now and losing weight... 2 pounds this past week (she shared with me and I am VERY proud of her hard work)!  The second person is a family member and I received a text message from her.  This text message expressed that I "inspired her to start using the elliptical machine", which she confided in me is "kicking her butt".  Again, WOW!  How awesome is it that this person is working harder, on a new piece of gym equipment.  This particular person and I talked at Christmas and I shared my own experience on the elliptical machine.  I guess my story had inspired her into moving out of her comfort zone and towards a new work out!  Way to go ladies... your stories are actually an inspiration to me!


As inspiring as some people may find my story to be, it is those same individuals that I am inspired by as well.  Every day when I am lying in bed thinking that I could just stay under those warm covers and skip the gym, I am reminded of everyone out there who is getting up and getting it done.  I think about the example that I would be setting if I did wimp out.  I think about how many calories I can burn off in the work out and what that means to my body.  I think about the hard work that others are putting in.  Finally, I think about my family and closest friends who wouldn't want me to give up.  I know that by getting out of bed and doing what needs to be done, that 1 person may do the same.  That... is inspiration enough!  


I know that it may seem that I am tooting my own horn, but that really isn't the case.  As the title says, this is all very humbling for me.  It is hard for me to think that something that is as important to me as losing this weight, has caused such a fever in so many others and they are taking action to do the same.  I am humbled by people telling me that they are doing exercise on a Saturday afternoon because they thought of me getting up at 6am.  I am humbled by the out pour of support by friends, family and perfect strangers.  It is a difficult journey, but with your support I will continue to make it through!


One final note, as I can't leave without sharing my excitement.  When I began this weight loss journey, I told myself that I needed smaller goals because 110lbs was just too big to think about.  I broke my overall goal into 25lb markers.  Today's official weight in revealed that I have reached my first goal.  I lost 6lbs this week and this brings my total to 28lbs in 11 weeks.  I am so very excited to reach this first goal.  Also, as a reward, I will be purchasing the "Journey" Pandora bead.  This bead represents all the bumps along the road that is ahead of me.  I know, that with the support of my family and friends, that I can hurdle over these bumps and towards my own personal finish line.  


Thank you everyone!  I love you all and appreciate the support you have shown me!

My obsessions

After 10 weeks of being on this weight loss journey, you would think that I would change my ways.  And no I am not talking about food or eating issues, I am talking about my obsession with the scale.  I have a serious obsession with weighing myself daily... sometimes several times a day.  

I know, I know before anyone even thinks it... This is not smart.  It is not effective.  It is not normal.  It is not good for someone who has self esteem issues.  I get it.  But I can't stop!  It is a terrible obsession and I honestly don't know what to do to stop myself from doing it.  I wake up and the first thing I want to do is weigh myself.  After weighing myself, I head to the gym to get my work out on (which by the way is another part of the obsessions).  After working out, back at home and guess what I do again... if you guessed weigh myself then you know me too well.  After weighing myself it is shower time and immediately after the shower it is time to weigh myself again.  Geeze, just typing this I realize that I have a serious problem.  But generally after those weigh ins I stop for the day (although I have been known to weigh myself in the middle of the day).  And to make the problem worse, if the scale doesn't show numbers like I think that it should, it fuels my obsession even more until finally I am happy with one of the many numbers that I see.

So there I did the 1st step in any recovery program... I admitted that I have a problem.  But now I don't know what to do about it.  People have said just stop.  That is so much easier than done.  The scale is still in the bathroom and it is calling my name.  Even "hiding" the scale won't stop the behavior because I will play hide and seek until I find it.  So what's a girl to do?!?  

Well now onto the second obsession in my life... working out.  This couch potato for the last 39 years has found that working out is awesome.  I love heading to the gym, working my butt off (literally), sweating like there is no tomorrow and watching those calories burn off.  Even getting up at 5:09am every day during the week (at least on the weekends I get to sleep in a bit longer before heading to the gym) can't deter me from heading there.  I absolutely LOVE the gym.  I think more so than loving the gym, is me loving the calories that are being burned off.  And this week in particular, I love the gym because although the numbers on the scale didn't show any great returns... I only lost 1lb this week... I went shopping for a pair of jeans on Saturday and they were 2 sizes smaller than jeans I wore in November.  Now that's results!  And it is those results that feed into my obsessions.  

So I know that I need help, especially for the scale obsession.  I know that being this way with the scale is not healthy for me, especially the mental aspect of it all.  Maybe if I can just scale back (no pun intended) on the scale and possibly do it every other day.  I think though that is wishful thinking.  It is hard... it is draining... and it often deflates what little bit of self esteem that I am building up. 

So that's my story.  I have a problem and it is call the scale.  Do I feel better that I discussed it... maybe.  I just wished that I could get this obsession under control.  

Curve balls in every direction

Being and overweight woman (and this isn't a generalization about all overweight woman but just an observation about me), I am in the habit of eating my troubles and stresses away.  Have a bad day at work... nothing a few brownies or a gigantic ice cream sundae can't fix.  Having some difficulty with a teenager who is pushing every one of your buttons and then some... certainly a big bag of salty potato chips and a 2 liter of regular soda can't fix.  Did you just get some bad news and you aren't sure what it will mean for you... oh the perfect compliment to this is a big juicy cheeseburger large value meal.  


So as life has thrown curve balls my way I have learned over my lifetime that food was the comfort to run too.  This comfort has caused me to be in the situation that I am currently (that and just plan overeating).  It is definitely hard to change a behavior that has been ingrained in your head for 30+ years.  A behavior that has always "made you feel better".  A behavior that "takes away the pain".  


In the past 2 weeks I have had many curve balls thrown my way.  First it was hearing news at work that wasn't very appeasing to me and went completely against what I was told about 1 month ago.  Then it was the untimely death of my husband's younger cousin who lives 400 miles away from us.  There was the surgery of a dear elderly family member.  My daughter telling us that she needs x, y and z for volleyball and then in the same breathe telling us that she needs $139 for her class field trip.  Stress, these past 2 weeks, has been my middle name.  


This time however, I did not turn to food.  I turned instead to exercise.  The first bout came with the work stress.  After leaving work I called my husband in tears on the phone.  I was angry and i needed to vent.  By the time I got home from work, I was not only angry, but I was starving.  I cooked dinner and eat the portion that I would have eaten if I wasn't in the foul mood I was in.  I then asked my 13 year old if she wanted to go to the gym and, with her by my side, off we went.  1 hour and 45 minutes later we returned home and I felt WONDERFUL!  It was amazing to not stuff my face but instead work off the frustrations that I had.  It was great to burn off over 850 calories.  It was great to feel good after taking out my frustrations instead of feeling guilty that I had just eaten a large combo meal.  


The next few stressors allowed me to have the same reaction and thus confirm that I could eliminate the comfort foods and instead find a new way to deal with life's stresses.  I worked out and felt better.  Even while in Michigan for the family member's funeral, I took to the hotels fitness center and workout the stresses of being there.  Honestly... I don't miss the food.  I don't miss the guilt.  I don't miss watching the scale increase after a night of binge eating.  


I a certain that there will come a time in my weight loss journey that will cause me to binge eat due to stress.  I am not perfect and know that thinking any other way would be foolish.  As I am 9 weeks into this journey, what I do know is that I have found other ways to manage the stress.  Other avenues to vent my frustration.  The things that I learn are important to allow me, and others, life long success.  


Thank you again to everyone that has shown their support to my journey.  The outpouring of support for me through all of this has been amazing.  I am truly blessed to know so many wonderful people who genuinely care about my success.  Thank you does not quite express my feelings for each of you.  

Perfect... negative self talk

This past week I began working out.  I joined a gym (the local YMCA) and set a goal for myself of going to the gym to work out at least 3 days each week.  I think it is important for me to be realistic (3 days a week) but also serious about getting myself healthier and continuing on this weight loss journey.  Going to the gym has actually turned into something that I enjoy and over the first week I made it there 6 days.  Now 2 of those days were shortened days (only 40 minutes to spare) but I am still excited that I made it there!  

So while I complete my "workout" I listen to music on my iPhone.  While listening the other day the song F***** Perfect (or the cleaned up version is called Perfect) by Pink came on.  I really started to listen to the words and it was an eye opening experience.  The song talks about negative self talk and the view that you should have of yourself.  The song was talking about me!  There have been so many times that I negative talk myself (your thighs are so disgusting, your butt is huge, you won't ever lose the weight, people stare at you because you are so huge, etc.).  This negative self talk has allowed me to stay in the same path for as long as I have.  You see it's easier to stay the same and listen to that inner negative voice than it is to make the necessary changes and stop listening to the inner you.  

But like I said, the song also reminds you that you need to stop all the negative and begin to believe in yourself.  That isn't an easy thing to do, especially when you have been listening to the negative for 30+ years, but it is very important in order to make the necessary changes that need to be made.  So I am trying each day to find one thing that I can be positive about regarding myself.  Whether its a good hair day, or the color of my eyes, or the fact that I did 60 minutes on the elliptical machine, I am finding those positives and focusing on them.  

One final thing that has really helped me to remain so focused and positive about what I am accomplishing is the impact that I see my journey making on others.  So many people have reached out to me to encourage me along in my journey or to tell me that they are making changes in their own lives because of what I have done.  This is a huge boost to my confidence and also makes me feel wonderful about the blog and posting everything on Facebook.  It is hard for me to admit that I am extremely overweight (and yes I know that's pretty darn obvious) but knowing that someone or anyone has read this blog or my posts and they want to make changes is amazing and encouraging to me.  So thank you to everyone for your continued support.   Thank you for helping me to get rid of the negative voices and replacing them with the positives.  

New Year's Resolutions... can you keep them?

Every year, thousands and thousands of people make New Year's Resolutions to begin a fresh beginning to the year.  And every year, thousands upon thousands of people break their resolutions. I must include myself in those numbers because every year I seem to break what I resolve to change.  Last year for example, I set a New Year's resolution to stop texting while driving (I know that's bad... I don't need any lectures).  The first few days of the year went well and then I just fell of the wagon.  I will say though, that I do not text and drive nearly as much as I use too and I will only do it when I am alone in the car.  When the girls are with me, I have them answer my texts (with my responses of course).

I guess this is why I didn't start my weight loss journey on January 1st.  Instead, I chose to start it on an obscure Sunday in November 2 weeks before Thanksgiving (also not a good idea!).  But the point to this is, I was not resolving just to lose weight for the New Year... thus setting myself up to fail.  I wanted to make lasting changes to my lifestyle, including watching what I eat and exercising.  Now I am not saying that all New Year's resolutions fail, but by far more people fail than are successful.

So this year, because weight loss is at the forefront of my mind, a few of my resolutions are in place to help me along with this weight loss journey.  For one, I am striving to eliminate diet soda from my diet.  I am and probably always will be a diet soda junkie (I can drink about 5 20oz bottles a day).  I can drink it for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I prefer Diet Decaf Pepsi, but honestly I will drink Diet Coke if it is the only thing around.  Drinking diet soda, according to some recent studies, can actually increase your appetite and also has been linked to craving more sugary foods.  OUCH!  That's not what I want from anything that I put into my body, especially when I am working so hard to eliminate the overeating and the sweets that I sometimes crave.  So diet soda is out for me and it will be interesting to see how long this one lasts.  It is now 3 days into the New Year and yes I want a soda!  But I know that these little changes can mean bigger rewards down the road.

The next resolution that I set is that I want to work out at least 3 days per week.  Now that doesn't sound like much, but I am a person who never worked out.  And this is the minimum.  If I get 4 or 5 days in... that's a bonus.  Again, I didn't want to set myself up for failure and say work out 5 days and then disappointment myself when I only made it 4.  It is all about making the necessary life changes to take the weight off and keep it off.  Working out 3 days a week will definitely help to make this happen.  So far this year... I have worked out 3 days already.  Does that mean I am done for the week; absolutely NOT!  I am planning on working out at least 2 more days this week.  This means that I will be over for the week, but that's certainly not a bad thing.  One more note about this topic of working out.  I decided to join the local YMCA so that I could use a variety of equipment.  This variety will allow me to work different muscle groups and strengthen my whole body and not just one specific area.  I have used thus far the elliptical (one of my favorites), the stationary bike and today's adventure was with the stair climber machine (which I must report that I hate because my thighs and butt are killing me!!!!).  I do enjoy going to the gym, especially since my almost 13 year old daughter has been working out with me.  This healthy adventure has become contagious in my house :)

My next 2 resolutions were personal things that I want to accomplish this year, and not related to weight loss at all.  I have been inspired by a friend of mine who last year set a goal to read and review 200 books last year.  Tiffany actually was able to reach her goal and to me that is such a wonderful accomplishment.  I love to read, but did not think that I could undertake such a lofty goal.  Instead, I have set the goal of reading 50 books this year.  I know that isn't many, but when I normally take my time reading and often will put a book down for weeks in between each reading, this is incentive for me to keep plugging along until the end of the year.  Who knows, I may even add in reviewing the books that I pick up on Amazon as well... Thank you Tiffany for your inspiration!

Finally, I must admit that I am a terrible mom.  Yes I love my kids with every ounce of my being.  Yes I would do anything to protect my kids.  Yes I want to provide my girls with everything in the world so that they can be even more successful than their father and I.  But... I have boxes and boxes and boxes of pictures just sitting around my house.  I use to scrapbook, oh like 10 years ago (before Abbygail).  I have 2 beautiful scrapbooks of Makaela as a little girl.  I have NOTHING done of Abbygail.  To be quite honest, I am not sure if I even have that many pictures of Abbygail

So that's it... Sam's 2012 New Year's Resolutions.  I pray for the strength from God to continue to persevere through this weight loss journey.  I pray for continued strength as I press on to work out and build my physical strength.  I pray for understanding that I may not accomplish each of these resolutions but that I will do my best to uphold what I want to accomplish in this new year.  Finally, I pray for the ability to accept that I may break a resolution (like the no diet soda) but not beat myself up and just get back on board with the changes that I need to make to provide positive changes for my future.

Happy 2012 Everyone!